What is PAS? Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a disturbance that occurs when one parent, referred to as the alienating parent, manipulates their children to turn against the other parent, known as the targeted parent. This manipulation often happens in post-divorce custody arrangements. The strategies employed by alienating parents are diverse and can be understood as methods to disrupt the child's attachment to the targeted parent.

Strategies of the Alienating Parent Campaign of Denigration (Bad-mouthing): The most prominent strategy is the relentless denigration, or bad-mouthing, of the targeted parent's character and worth. This involves constant negative comments. The alienating parent operates under the assumption that repetition makes these statements seem truthful to the child.

Direct instruction to Keep Secrets: Alienating parents explicitly ask children to keep information secret from the targeted parent. This tactic is a significant part of the alienation strategies employed by the alienating parent to undermine the relationship between the child and the targeted parent, and to solidify the child's bond with the alienating parent. This "secret keeping" indicates that the alienating parent and the child are colluding against the targeted parent.

Denigration of Targeted Parent's Entire Family: Not only the targeted parent, but their formerly beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are suddenly avoided and rejected. This is seen as part of a "tribal warfare" mentality.

Withdrawal of Love and Anger: The alienating parent may withdraw love, give the "cold shoulder," or become angry if the child expresses affection or positive regard for the targeted parent. This behavior creates anxiety and a desire in the child to win back the alienating parent's approval, leading to compliance with the alienation.

Forcing Child to Choose/Express Loyalty: Children are pressured to explicitly choose the alienating parent over the targeted parent, often feeling they are "betraying" the alienating parent if they show any positive feelings for the other. This creates a loyalty conflict, where children must submit to the alienating parent's reality to maintain the relationship.

Forcing Child to Reject Targeted Parent: This involves direct coercion, such as requiring children to verbally abuse the targeted parent or make false accusations. The goal is to create ill will and induce cognitive dissonance, where children adjust their beliefs to align with their hostile actions.

Misrepresenting Targeted Parent's Feelings: Children are told that the targeted parent does not love, want, or care for them. Alienating parents may even engineer situations, such as using the targeted parent new romantic relationships as a threat to the targeted parent's loyalty to the child. For instance, Claire's mother instilled fear in her about her father's new wife, suggesting to Claire that her father "would choose his new wife over his daughter"

Cultivating Dependency: Alienating parents foster an unhealthy reliance on their acceptance and approval, often by claiming to be the child's sole source of love and care, and that the targeted parent "did nothing" for them. This makes disapproval an unimaginable loss, compelling the child to comply with alienation strategies.

Spying on the Targeted Parent: Children are asked to collect information about the targeted parent's activities and report back to the alienating parent, reinforcing the idea that the targeted parent is dishonest or malicious.

Seeing Alienating Parent as Victim: The child expresses strong sympathy for the alienating parent, blaming the targeted parent for all problems and portraying the alienating parent as a suffering victim.

Alliance with the Alienating Parent: The child uses "us" and "we" to refer to themselves and the alienating parent, indicating an unhealthy enmeshment and alignment against the other parent.

Fear of the Alienating Parent: The child's actions and beliefs are motivated by a palpable fear of the alienating parent's anger or disapproval, even if not explicitly stated.

Nonverbal/Verbal Cues from Alienating Parent: The child indicates that the alienating parent does not want them to have a good time with or love the targeted parent, through direct statements or subtle cues.

These strategies work together to give the child a three-part message: the alienating parent is the only one who cares and can be trusted, the alienating parent is necessary for the child's safety and well-being, and the targeted parent must be disavowed to maintain the alienating parent's love and approval.

Consequences for Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) Low Self-Esteem: This often stems from internalizing the alienating parent's hatred of the targeted parent, believing that parts of themselves resembling the targeted parent are "bad" or "unworthy" . Children may also develop low self-esteem from being told the targeted parent does not love or want them, or from the guilt of betraying the targeted parent.

Depression: This is commonly rooted in feelings of being unloved by the targeted parent and the actual extended separation from that parent. The inability to mourn the loss of the targeted parent, as they are often told it's a "positive event" for that parent to be out of their lives, exacerbates depressive feelings.

Drug and Alcohol Problems: Many adult children used substances to escape the pain, loss, low self-esteem, and conflict stemming from the alienation. Lack of Trust: They may struggle to trust themselves and others because their early perceptions of a parent were contradicted by the alienating parent's narrative. Women alienated from their fathers may struggle to trust men to love them, leading to patterns of repeating past rejections in romantic relationships.

Alienation from Their Own Children: This tragic outcome often occurs through repetition of their own childhood experiences. Some marry narcissistic individuals who then alienate them from their children, or their own alienating parents extend the alienation to their grandchildren. Some may also purposefully withdraw from their children's lives to "spare" them from conflict.

Divorce: High divorce rates among adult children of PAS are attributed to issues like lack of trust, inability to be intimate, depression, substance abuse, and a tendency to choose partners with personality structures similar to the alienating parent.
Guilt About Treatment of Targeted Parent: Many adult children feel guilty for having betrayed or mistreated the targeted parent, especially once they realize the manipulation.

Unrealistic Idealization of Alienating Parent: Children with PAS often exhibit a complete lack of ambivalence towards the alienating parent, viewing them as "all good" while the targeted parent is "all bad". They may see themselves as extensions of the alienating parent, with their primary function being to please and care for them.

Difficulty with Independent Thinking and Decision-Making: Children may adamantly claim their negative feelings towards the targeted parent are their own ("Independent Thinker" phenomenon), making it difficult to counter the alienation. They learn to deny truths that conflict with the alienating parent's narrative to maintain the relationship.

How Adult Children of PAS Protect Themselves (Through Realization) Maturation: As children grow older, they develop greater cognitive and emotional maturity, allowing them to question their parents' beliefs and attitudes, which is a normal part of de-idealization. This increased capacity to tolerate psychological distance, often due to physical and financial separation in adulthood, allows them to gain perspective by observing other families.

Alienating Parent Turning on Child: In some cases, the alienating parent's hostility or intense control, once directed at the targeted parent, shifts onto the child once the targeted parent is out of the picture. Experiencing this direct abuse can be a "rude awakening" for the child, leading them to realize that the targeted parent was likely victimized in the same manner.

Experiencing PAS as a Parent: Becoming a targeted parent themselves can serve as a powerful catalyst, as individuals recognize that their own experiences of being alienated from their children mirror what their own targeted parent endured. This realization allows them to re-evaluate what they were told about their targeted parent.

The Targeted Parent Returned: When the targeted parent re-enters the child's life, the child has the opportunity to directly experience them and realize that they are not the "toxic person" portrayed by the alienating parent.

Attaining a Milestone: Significant life events, such as becoming a parent, can provide a new perspective and allow individuals to rethink their childhood experiences and the alienation.

Therapy: Entering individual psychotherapy can provide a safe "platform" for adult children of PAS to explore and rethink their childhood experiences, including their feelings and beliefs about the targeted parent. This often leads to understanding the manipulation and emotional abuse they suffered.
Intervention of Extended Family: An extended family member can intervene by providing alternative perspectives or information that contradicts the alienating parent's narrative, leading to a new understanding of the past.

Intervention of a Significant Other: A loving and supportive partner can offer a new way of thinking about both parents and provide the emotional support needed to accept the reality of the alienating parent's narcissism and manipulation.

Seeing the Alienating Parent Mistreat Others: Witnessing the alienating parent treat other individuals (friends, colleagues, subsequent partners) in the same negative and manipulative ways as the targeted parent can help the child understand that the problem lies with the alienating parent's relational style, rather than the targeted parent.

Discovering Alienating Parent was Dishonest: Catching the alienating parent in a significant lie, even if not directly about the targeted parent, can alert the child to the possibility that other information they've been given might also be untruthful.

Becoming a Parent (detailed above as a milestone): Having children of your own highlighting the importance of both parents in a child's life and realizing the alienating parent's deliberate interference with the relationship with the targeted parent.